Bar jokes

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Bar jokes

Post by zebadee on Sat 5 Mar 2011 - 22:14

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

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Re: Bar jokes

Post by zebadee on Sat 5 Mar 2011 - 22:21

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

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Re: Bar jokes

Post by 4hams on Sun 13 Mar 2011 - 21:04

LMAO on both counts zebadee!!! lol!

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Re: Bar jokes

Post by sanshoe on Thu 17 Mar 2011 - 11:50

A man goes into local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"


She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."


"That's the one; I'll take a copy."

rotflmao

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Re: Bar jokes

Post by sanshoe on Thu 17 Mar 2011 - 11:53

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.


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Re: Bar jokes

Post by sanshoe on Thu 17 Mar 2011 - 11:55

IF YOU PASS THIS TEST YOU ARE GOOD FOR 2011. YOUR NEXT TEST WILL BE 11/11/11.




This is an interesting scientific test!


Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing


The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.


The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!


1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat..
12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down





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